The answer is “no” and well, “if I was I wouldn’t be 3 months yet” and “I wouldn’t be telling you if I was”. Of course, being someone who rather likes her wine the minute I give up the wine its going to completely obvious that I am of course knocked up. This blog post is also code for yes; I have finally given in to my female urges and decided it is family time. This blog post is also all about the TMI.

(Sorry husband and brother, I am a blogger after all; one it seems is in a pre-mommy blogger state. Ugh)

Actually, I’m lying. I’m actually pretending to give into my female urges, as I have never experienced the fabled all consuming desire to become a mother that I’m told you suddenly experience the minute your internal clock starts ticking. My mother didn’t need to install the ‘do not get pregnant rule’ into me as a teenager as I have had my own in built baby blocker all along. My internal clock is jammed, and at 35 I don’t think it’s ever going to start.

I don’t coo over babies on Facebook, nor do I think babies are the prettiest things on the planet (they all look like Winston Churchill), nor do I think baby grows are cute – they really aren’t – even when it was the 1990s I didn’t look cute in a bodysuit with poppers between my legs. As a compulsive planner, shopper and organiser it’s telling that I haven’t even ventured into the world of prams, baby clothes and nappy bags. It just doesn’t do it for me.

…and don’t even start on birth and ‘one born every minute’. I can’t even have that programme on in the background in the pub. It’s just wrong.

However family is incredibly important to me, even more so over the last year (if that is even possible) and of course I have the desire to create my own family future for us. I can see us back packing in Sri Lanka with a baby on our back. I can see a first bike. I can see knees being scraped. I can see nerf gun wars.

Maybe it is ok that I can’t see a baby before all of that. Maybe you don’t need an all consuming desire to be a mother, well to be a mother. Maybe Winston Churchill got it right and it wont matter – Kites rise highest against the wind – not with it after all.

Or maybe if and when it happens I will suddenly go into uber-mummy mode and get all the baby rage at once and want to learn all the things….and then I’ll become a mummy blogger. Shudder.

I think I’ll just stick with being me…anti baby quirk and all.

Mrs S x

Meet A:

A year ago, last March, I received a message that literally rocked my world.

It all started with a message on Twitter. Twitter of all things, a message off an unknown person claiming that they where my half sister. What would you do if you received a message like this? I’m guessing the majority of you would dismiss straight away like I did. But I decided to look into it more and asked searching questions to find out that this unknown person was telling the truth and was in fact my half sister.

I’m not going to make it sound like everything after this point was hunky dory, it wasn’t. It took me a while to get my head around the idea. I couldn’t concentrate in work and was very distant from the people who are closest to me. One night I sat in the bath thinking about it for so long that the water had turned stone cold and I was shivering.

I started to read this blog and felt like I started to get know my half sister and realised how much we have in common especially in music. We met a couple of months later where we sat opposite one and other and mostly stared at each other. My dad came with us and reacting in a way I have hardly ever seen him do before, he cried and explained that Smidge looked and acted exactly the same as our mum which nearly set me off. I knew then by how my dad reacted that I needed to make sure that no matter how far we lived we would get to know each other and that we would regularly visit each other.

My Dad was a huge help being there that day andd he told us stories about our mum, some that I even didn’t knew about. It was an amazing day and Smidge and I had quiet 5 minutes alone together where I had to tell her the story of how her adoption had came about. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do I couldn’t of done it though without the help of the adoption agency – Scottish Adoption (and a couple of pints). The adoption agency listened to me over the phone and were able to offer me great advice and support on how to tell Smidge. I can not thank them enough for their help.

Afterwards we had a huge hug and all I can remember thinking is and not being able to comprehend that I was hugging my half sister. Since our first meeting we have gone strength to strength. As well as meeting B I have met Smidge’s adopted parents and have never felt more welcomed by anyone before. So much so I know class them as family too.

I was then so honoured to be invited to Smidge and B’s wedding which I can honestly say was by far the best wedding I have ever been too. I actually felt like a celebrity as people kept looking at me and wanting to speak to me. I’ve never been introduced to so many people in my life. It was so surreal to be dancing with half sister on her wedding day when I had only known about her existence for less then a year. It was a really emotional day and I didn’t stop smiling. Even my dad’s partner was emotional as she didn’t stop crying all day. Think she must have used a whole mascara.

To sum up I’m so happy that my sister plucked up the courage to get in touch with me and I’m so happy to be able to call her my sister.

A

Thanks A (ignore my tears folks) xx

Image from

June 2012 “I’m fat” whine whine whine whine.
May 2013 “I’m fat” whine whine whine whine.

(note I am a just a little overweight, I know this, so will you bear with me with and read the rest of the post? Ta)

Little has changed since last year’s return from holiday and the massive crash I had after viewing the horrific photos. But it seems have been whining about feeling crappy about myself for nearly a year now and I’ve still not done anything about it. Whilst feeling overweight is bitch, moaning about it and doing nothing about it is worse – it’s the lazy, coward’s way out.

However, 5 years in to my 30s (yes I am going to be 35 in 5 weeks) and I am harbouring thoughts that I should just decline in to my 30s middle aged spread (all my weight is on my stomach) without a whimper. “It’s natural. It’s normal. You should stop worrying”. That is what my brain is saying.

NO I AM A LAZY COWARD. That is what my brain should be saying. But it isn’t.

The last time I bother to do any form of exercise (apart from lifting a wine glass) was right before the wedding when I did 2 weeks of the 30 Day Shred. The motivation – I got the total fear that I would look fat on the photos. It didn’t really work; as even though my dress had to be taken in twice and I was told multiple times that I looked tiny I still felt I looked fat on the photos.

So really what my brain is saying is that “even if you did lots of exercise you still felt fat”.

So it is a body image issue? “Once you see fat, there is no going back”? Is it, unlike last year, where I felt my clothes were the issue it’s actually not? I can find perfectly tailored clothes and still feel like a sack of potatoes. Or is it just me being a lazy coward and not getting on the treadmill? Or do i just need to find an exercise I enjoy? I’m going on holiday soon and this needs sorting out.

Thoughts?

Mrs S x

After a night on the champagne celebrating B’s sister’s engagement on Saturday night, Sunday morning nachos and a Bloody Mary (photo 1) at The Argyle Bar, Marchmont were very much required.  Sadly the football (LFC!) ended in a draw. We recovered nicely and we decided on a walk over to The Sheep’s Heid pub in Duddingston via Holyrood Park and Duddingston Loch (2, 3, and 4)

The Sheep’s Heid pub has been taken over by the folks from The Salisbury Arms and we were intrigued to what they had done with the place. However sadly, unlike the Salisbury the refurb has ripped the heart out of the place and it is now more a wine bar than a local pub. Boo. After overhearing that half the menu at the Sheep’s Heid was missing (who doesn’t plan for a busy bank holiday?) we decided to head back to the Southside and visit Thai restaurant Celadon for the first time.

As Chinese food tends to trigger my stomach migraines, Thai is my best bet for Asian food. After perusing their menu, we decided to go the whole hog and order a la carte instead of the £12.99 pre-theatre special (serve all day on Sunday) and I’m glad we did. Whilst the ‘weeping tiger’ (5) blew my head off chilli wise, the chicken red curry and 5 spice duck (6) were some of the best Thai meals I’d ever had.

As B and I had sensibly taken Monday off as a bank holiday (neither of them usually get them) we’d planned to get up early and head off for a long walk, but as usual the weather dictated our destination and with East Lothian looking the best, we headed out to one of our favourite beaches – Tyninghame.  After a long walk on the beach (7 and 8), in view of Bass Rock, we had a picnic (9) (how old are we? But it was ace).

On the way home we stopped off briefly in the pretty village of East Linton for half a pint of the fab William’s Brothers ‘May be’ beer in the cute beer garden at The Linton Hotel. After a sociable one or two back in the Argyle we finished up out bank holiday with roast leg of lamb and all the trimmings. A very happy bank holiday!

This week: 30 day shred, new summer clothes (and maybe a new series on dressing as a curvy midget) and a hair cut, finally. Plus coffee from Home Ground Coffee in Ayrshire.

How was your bank holiday?

Mrs S x

(Let’s forget the versions made up by mean people where I was ‘the milkman’s daughter shall we)

Of course it turns out I am not a Russian princess, I am not a fairy and my mum isn’t famous. Instead I have the same story as many adoptees, how do I put it? Messy. Yes, that will do. Something that is hard to explain in polite company.

I always knew in searching I would open up a can of worms. I can’t deny that they wriggle around a lot. That they occasionally mean I have to write a post like this to feel better about a tweet I’ve read, an article written by someone who doesn’t know how it really feels, or a Channel 4 TV short by Dan Gillespie Sells of The Feeling who while being spot on about gay parenting reduces adoption yet again to ‘well I could love someone else’s child, even a damaged one’.

(not a direct quote btw)

Adopted children, especially ones who grow up now knowing their past, are highly likely to be affected by something they read, or see on TV that even slightly implies that people would be concerned about loving someone adopted. That there is something even slightly shameful about it.

I am not ashamed because I am adopted. I never will be. Being ashamed of my adoption would make my adopted parents something to be ashamed of. They are not. For making my birth something to be ashamed of. It is not. Why should I be ashamed of me? Seriously, how fucked up (sorry) is that?

If you want to talk about adoption don’t make it about shame. It’s very easy to make adoption a stigma. Adoption might make you different but it still means, like every family out there, belonging. We know there is a real world out there, a messy past, but let us have that. We like everyone else deserve it.

Plus even for a little while it also makes all adopted children a fairy or a princess. Let us keep our stories.

Mrs S x

Anyways, enough with the weather forecast, last week:

On Saturday morning we took our friend’s little boy to visit Gorgie City Farm which is located about 15 minutes on the bus (no. 25, 3, 33 and 2 to Gorgie) from Edinburgh city centre. I’d passed the farm so many times over the last 17 years but had never managed to make it in, however, unless you’d spotted their brightly painted signs from the main road you would probably have no idea it was there!

I’m glad I finally did make it through the gates as the farm is one of Edinburgh’s hidden gems. With chickens and tiny (smelly) pigs, sheep, goats and a horse to ride, as well as two very noisy lambs and lots of guinea pigs to cuddle, plus a cafe and play park on site it is a great way to spend  a couple of hours with the little uns (ok for the adults too). Plus it is free entry and entirely staffed by volunteers, so it is a GOOD thing. Donations are of course very welcome at the door.

After a break for bacon rolls (sorry piggys!) and a bit of a sit down (I am not sure we are quite ready for how tiring children make you) we headed down to my old homeland of Leith to join some friends to help celebrate a 30^th birthday.We spent a few hours sitting in the sun in Teucher’s Landing’s pretty beer garden with pints of Ossian Ale and then tried to head to the newly opened Vintage but were foiled by their/a food only policy (maybe there were too many of us?) so instead headed to Boda on Leith Walk for games of giant jenga.

It was lovely to spend time with some newish friends and meet some new folks too, I am getting more and more confident with these kind of things and its always good to leave a gathering with a smile on your face rather than being paranoid about things you might have said!

Finally, on Sunday despite having a whole weekend sans tummy trouble (yeah for medication) we had a very quiet day – movies, hot chocolate and slow roasted pork belly. I was exhausted, these busy Saturdays kill me! So, onto this week: we will be celebrating B’s sister getting engaged, keeping my fingers crossed over a house we like (more soon) and hoping for more sunshine.

How was your week?

Mrs S x

Goats cheese salad with sticky onions and croutons

You will need:

1 big onion/ sherry vinegar/ balsamic vinegar/ olive oil / garlic / mixed herbs – oregano, thyme, rosemary / white sugar / white bread / French mustard / salad leaves / goats cheese

To make:

1) Set the sticky onions going

• 1 big white or red onion – whichever is your preference, I used white – chopped into big chunks
• Sherry vinegar – 2 big glugs
• White sugar – 1 big tablespoon
• A glug of olive oil

Mix the sherry vinegar and sugar in a small sauce pan and bring to boil, boil for 5 minutes until the vinegary smell has boiled off. Add the chopped onions to a oven or casserole dish and heat the oven to 180. Pour over the sherry mixture and bake the onions until sticky and crispy (about 20 mins)

2) Make the croutons

• 2 slices of bread (an unsliced loaf is better for this as you want to cut it up into cubes)
• A tablespoon of Mixed herbs (or rosemary, thyme, oregano – 2 teaspoons of each)
• 2 teaspoons of Garlic – chopped or teaspoon of ready prepared
• Olive oil

Slice the bread into cubes. Mix the herbs, garlic, olive oil into a thick paste. Add the bread and mix well. Spread the croutons on a baking tray and leave to the side.

3) Mix up the dressing

•  1 clove garlic
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon of mustard
• 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
• 1 tablespoon sherry vinegar
• 5 tablespoons olive oil

Simply mix all the ingredients together. You may want to use a whisk to do this (I did) season with pepper.

4) Finish it off.

Take out the sticky onions and leave to cool. Grill the goats cheese for about a minute on each side. Grill the croutons for a minute until crispy but not solid. Arrange the salad leaves and add the onions and goats cheese and croutons. Put the dressing in a dish on the side (its strong and a little goes a long way, dressing is a very personal taste) and serve with extra bread.

Enjoy!

Mrs S x

In 2013 I am a lot more savvy, a lot more ‘me’ I do not waste money on things that are not my style (ok I still do have rubbish in the bottom of the wardrobe but its usually a quality issue not a style one) Fashion wise, I now love blogger’s wish lists (I have found some gorgeous blouses through them) and I’ve now have a decent pair of shoes (or 4!) to go with a great outfit and I change my coat every year to suit the latest style.

I get to try out beauty routines thanks to Glossybox and Birchbox (my monthly treat) and recommendations of beauty bloggers and I have finally taken the advice of the sister-in-law to invest in some proper make up. Thanks to this I no longer look like a hobo 2 hours after I have left the house. No smudgy kohl to see here anymore!

In 2010 I declared that “fashion is something I love, my heart is in it, even if I never look it, but I am going to make it a bigger part of me. To bring out my confidence. My style”. In 2013 I think i’ve actually done just that:

My 2013 day is: ASOS Flats / See by Chloe platform boots / Hudson duffle boots / duffle coat / silk print blouses / fancy collars / cardigan / skinny jeans / coloured trousers / hobo bag (my Marc by Marc Jacobs <3)

Wish list Equipment zebra shirt / Asos Little Miss cat shoes / DVB jeans / Gloverall Duffle Coat

2013 Night: Skinny jeans (grey, blue or black) / knee high black boots / sharp shoe boots / loubis / Alice + Olivia sparkly dress / Sass & Bide off the shoulder number / black sheer top / statement tee or blouse / Diane Von Furstenberg clutch / skinny belts and big necklaces.

Wish list Alice + Olivia dress / Louboutins / DVF Bag / Necklace

…and 2013 is always: Very long dark hair / subtle lashes (don’t need no spider legs) / Estee Lauder Double Wear eyeliner / Aldi Foundation / Estee Lauder Bronzer /  D&G – The One / Dior – Miss Dior / Dermalogica / Taaj Himalaya Cleanser (recommended) / skin oils / hair oil.

What are your 2013 style essentials?

Mrs S x

p.s I’d welcome fashion / beauty blog links, which are your favourites? Plus online shops too!
p.p.s none of my links are affiliate x

]]> http://miss-smidge.co.uk/fashion/twinkle-like-an-etoile/feed/ 3 http://miss-smidge.co.uk/monday-sundries/a-lady-and-a-lake/ http://miss-smidge.co.uk/monday-sundries/a-lady-and-a-lake/#comments Mon, 22 Apr 2013 11:16:00 +0000 smidge http://miss-smidge.co.uk/?p=10780 We were travelling Scotland this weekend to take up a wedding gift (thanks pollypoptart and dawniepopsies) of a night in a hotel. As the hotel was located next to the unfortunate town of Cumbernauld and the M80 (sorry Cumbernauld, but you aren’t pretty) we’d made a detour first up to the Trossachs National Park. We’d visited Callander before and its a pretty little town but it wasn’t our final destination as we were looking for somewhere devoid of American tourists. Thanks to my new favourite walking site, Walk Highlands (I am not advertising for them, promise, its just very useful) we discovered Loch Venachar.

Even though I’d love to live in a country blessed with sunshine and blue skies, I must admit that Scotland really does suit its weather. Although my photos don’t do it justice; I tried to capture the beautiful views of Ben Ledi (a corbett) and the Loch. Looking out over the mountain you can quite believe why the pass to the top is called Bealach nan Corp, the ‘pass of the dead’ when its only illuminated by sunbursts appearing through the fast moving and heavy clouds.

Halfway up the hillside I spotted Venacher Lochside, which, the website promised me, served excellent food. Our 2 hour walk completed, we deserved our large slab of chocolate and strawberry cake and a scone that B declared one of the best he’d ever tasted – I better start making scones! With friendly staff, the café is a great stopping point if you are being more energetic than us and plan to bag Ben Ledi. Happily pigged out and sleepy tired from the fresh air; we headed to the hotel to meet some of B’s family for dinner and drinks.

With all this just over an hour away from Edinburgh this  is why Scotland is one of my favourite places in the world.

How was your weekend?

Mrs S x

Visiting the doctors yesterday to ask about the weird orange stains on my hand I found myself faced with a locum. I don’t mind locum doctors, although I know many people struggle with revealing their most embarrassing problems with someone they’ve just met (although I’ve found when alcohol is involved this reticence is very rare)  I’ve become so used to telling doctors my problems over the years that someone new is just someone else I can bamboozle with my lack of response to every medicine they’ve thrown at me.

After suggesting I had some blood work done (I shouldn’t be this tired all the time and needing caffeine just to survive) and lots of creased eyebrows over the orange marks (no idea) the doc moved onto my IBS. I’d mentioned that I’d had an attack yesterday morning and he asked about my symptoms (pain that comes on suddenly, cramps, bloating which leads to being sick) and what triggers it (nothing I can work out apart from MSG and bad stress) and how often (big events are every few weeks) and then the medicines I’ve tried (every last one of them for IBS in the last 4 years).

When he mentioned trying Pizotifen I was confused, was this a new drug for IBS? No, this was a drug for migraine he explained. Pizotifen (or brand name sandomigran) doesn’t treat just migraine head pain, but stomach pain too. Who knew that migraines also occur in the abdomen? For that is what this locum doctor thinks I have, not non-specific chronic and painful stomach problems labelled as ibs or allergies that sometimes don’t make me sick, but a real condition, abdominal migraine, that is usually found in children, but is very rare in adults.

Having recently found my birth family has meant that I have been able to understand more of my medical history (well half of it) and yes, migraines are in my family (I also vaguely remember being on medication for them for a while as a child but thought I’d grown out of it) So it’s looking like a strong diagnosis. So, I shall be starting on sandomigran and fingers crossed (and dependent on side effects, I heard of extreme weight gain – yikes!) I might have found a solution to a problem that has me hanging onto my job and a social life for far too long now.

Keep your fingers crossed. Has anyone else tried sandomigram? Any experiences with it?

Mrs S x